Heirlooms Without Heartache: A Guide for Siblings, After a Parent’s Passing

When a parent dies or downsizes, many possessions must be sold or passed on to other family members. If there are multiple children in the family, finding a way to fairly allocate these possessions can be difficult. Here are some tips on allocating a parent’s possessions with minimal conflict:

Know what things are valuable and why. It can help siblings make clearer decisions. It’s helpful to make a list of valuable items along with the reason.
Start that conversation as soon as you can. Start early and simply ask what items people are interested in keeping. You may be surprised that they don’t want that much — and the things they do want may not be the things you thought they would want.
Ask why. It’s okay to ask someone why they want a particular object. It can help you understand why that item is important to them. Just be ready to accept whatever answer they give. If they’re choosing something out of obligation, this gives you a chance to release them from that burden.
Take turns. Have siblings take turns choosing one item, going around in a circle.
Share things. If something is very sentimental or valuable, consider sharing. For example, if mom has a diamond necklace that everyone wants, it could be rotated during holidays so everyone has a chance to wear it.
Be organized. Take photos of items and store them in an app or online shared folder where siblings can comment on what they want. This is especially helpful for families spread out geographically and can also be referenced in a will.
Put it in your will. If you want specific items to go to specific recipients, this must be stated clearly in your will. Sticky notes and verbal promises are not legally binding.

Having a clear plan can make this difficult process easier for everyone involved.

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